šŸ“” Rough Drafts: an experiment.

A New Quest

Written: ā€¢ šŸ·ļø Tags: Inspiration ā€¢ Life ā€¢ Writing ā€¢ Categories: Blogging
āŒ› Reading time: 5 minutes

Impression, Sunrise |Ā Source

Finding the Middle Way and unlearning anxiety.

Soria Moria |Ā Source

Itā€™s a balmy Saturday afternoon, the hottest itā€™s been in Calgary so far this year.

My 20th birthday is only eleven days away. I donā€™t know if this is a milestone or notā€Šā€”ā€Šbut I do know that I want something to show for it. I find myself constantly recalibrating, trying to create an amount of meaningful work.

Hopefully, Iā€™m pushing myself the right direction.

Looking back at what Iā€™ve written so far on Medium, I honestly canā€™t say I like much of it. Iā€™ve been writing like crazyā€Šā€”ā€Šover a complete article per dayā€Šā€”ā€Šfor around two weeks now.

Not because Iā€™mĀ goodĀ atĀ it, but rather because these thoughts are ones Iā€™ve been holding on to for a long time, sometimes years.

And sometimes itā€™s only when you write down your ideas in front of you that youā€™re able to see that theyā€™re a bit silly.

Donā€™t get me wrong, though, the entire point of the publication is for silly ideas, a place where I can write without feeling the pressure of relevance or meaningfulness. A starting pointā€Šā€”ā€Šbaby steps.

But even then I look at what I have with discontent. Too much navel-gazing and not enough doing. Itā€™s easy to file these sort of self-doubts under that dreaded inner-critic, but I think itā€™s more important to push yourself to try harder instead. I have a few ideas so far of what I want to focus on.

Goals for FutureĀ Writing

  1. Authenticity. I want to be more authentic in what I sayā€Šā€”ā€ŠI donā€™t want there to be a barrier between who I actually am as a person and who I come across as. But you canā€™t escape the existential nature of that goalā€Šā€”ā€Šwho am I really? Does anybody in their 20ā€™s actually know?
  2. Vulnerability. By extension of authenticity, I want to allow myself to be more vulnerable as well. I want to write my own stories, not generic think pieces that are vague enough that anybody could write.
  3. Creativity. Iā€™m starting to find my style a bit played out already, too. I think be weird would be a good motto. Experimentation with cadence and flow, as well as even breaking fundamental rules of writing. Hereā€™s a great example.
  4. Patience. Essentially, Iā€™ll be slowing down my pace. I also want to write in a more long-form format. Iā€™ll need to do a lot more research and I have a ā€˜planā€™ for a new structured outline method. If it actually works, Iā€™ll write more about it in the future.

To add, in the future, I might write up a formal code of conduct for the publication in general. But for now, being actively mindful of these things is good enough.

Untiled |Ā Source

Dichotomy ofĀ Ideas

When I find myself in a creativeā€Šā€”ā€Šor rather, manicā€Šā€”ā€Šstate, I usually end up doing one of two things:

  1. Idealistically come up with bold, long-term plans of creative endeavor. Meticulously planning and scheduling every detail. This usually involves talking to a group of friends in a group chat about creating some sort of brave new project until 5 oā€™clock in the morningā€Šā€”ā€Šthinking weā€™re geniuses. This is then followed by nobody following through with any of it. I usually find myself too invested in research and get analysis paralysis.
  2. Writing something by the seat of my pants. Creating new things without any forethought or planning. For some reason, this is the only way I actually find myself getting things doneā€Šā€”ā€Šthis is how I started Everyday Essays. However, as soon as I find that Iā€™ve started to build-up a legitimate body of work, my anxiety takes over and I usually halt the project on an indefinite hiatus and mindlessly move on to something else.

I want to stop needlessly forcing myself into these two extremesā€Šā€”ā€Šan important concept in Guatama Buddhism is the Middle Wayā€Šā€”ā€Šand I also want to stop myself from seizing up with fear of failure (or success?) and finish projects I start.

Rainy Night Inspiration

After a long day of housekeeping work, when Iā€™m walking home at night, I find myself most inspired.

When Iā€™m listening to Sufjan Stevens __and smelling the aftermath of rainā€Šā€”ā€Šthe petrichorā€Šā€”ā€Šis when I find myself balling my fists as my head fills with a cacophony of ideas and projects I want to begin or resume.

How badly do I want to start composing another album, or start a photography website or watch lectures on the intricacies of Java libraries.

As soon as I get into my houseā€Šā€”ā€Ša rugged bedroomā€Šā€”ā€Šand lie down or open up my laptop to read a few Medium posts, that surge is gone. Too quickly do I find myself planning tomorrow, or balancing household budgets, or mindlessly browsing the daily stories of the internet. The mind becomes bloated with the information and complexity of our everyday life.

We are obliged to our adult responsibilities, we cannot squander our rent and groceries for our arts.

At the same time, I recognize that Iā€™m not really an adult, yet. And that Iā€™ll have the most have free time now to be able to pursue what I really want to. I cannot squander it, I have to be grateful for it.

Not all of us have the ability to do what we actually wantā€Šā€”ā€Šwhich is exactly why itā€™s so infuriating to see those who do have the ability flounder and ignore it.

I can try my best to create preventive measures and actively attempt to keep myself on trackā€Šā€”ā€ŠI can announce that Iā€™ll be working more on the projects Iā€™ve abandonedĀ , or new onesā€Šā€”ā€Šbut none of that matters. Silently doing hard work does.

Iā€™m running out of alibis to explain my situation. Seems like Iā€™ve said it all before. I canā€™t escape the paradigm, so I sign my resignation and say goodbye to something more.

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About B. Kenneth Brown

Photo of B. Kenneth Brown Hey there! šŸ˜„ My name is Kenneth, I'm a 26-year-old queer MĆ©tis writer and FOSS web developer from Winnipeg, Manitoba and currently reside in Calgary, Alberta. I'm currently studying to obtain a degree in Honours English at Mount Royal University. I'm looking to help those that need web development work done, or searching for ideas and management for their next content project.