A New Quest
ā Reading time: 5 minutes
Impression, Sunrise |Ā Source
Finding the Middle Way and unlearning anxiety.
Soria Moria |Ā Source
Itās a balmy Saturday afternoon, the hottest itās been in Calgary so far this year.
My 20th birthday is only eleven days away. I donāt know if this is a milestone or notāāābut I do know that I want something to show for it. I find myself constantly recalibrating, trying to create an amount of meaningful work.
Hopefully, Iām pushing myself the right direction.
Looking back at what Iāve written so far on Medium, I honestly canāt say I like much of it. Iāve been writing like crazyāāāover a complete article per dayāāāfor around two weeks now.
Not because IāmĀ goodĀ atĀ it, but rather because these thoughts are ones Iāve been holding on to for a long time, sometimes years.
And sometimes itās only when you write down your ideas in front of you that youāre able to see that theyāre a bit silly.
Donāt get me wrong, though, the entire point of the publication is for silly ideas, a place where I can write without feeling the pressure of relevance or meaningfulness. A starting pointāāābaby steps.
But even then I look at what I have with discontent. Too much navel-gazing and not enough doing. Itās easy to file these sort of self-doubts under that dreaded inner-critic, but I think itās more important to push yourself to try harder instead. I have a few ideas so far of what I want to focus on.
Goals for FutureĀ Writing
- Authenticity. I want to be more authentic in what I sayāāāI donāt want there to be a barrier between who I actually am as a person and who I come across as. But you canāt escape the existential nature of that goalāāāwho am I really? Does anybody in their 20ās actually know?
- Vulnerability. By extension of authenticity, I want to allow myself to be more vulnerable as well. I want to write my own stories, not generic think pieces that are vague enough that anybody could write.
- Creativity. Iām starting to find my style a bit played out already, too. I think be weird would be a good motto. Experimentation with cadence and flow, as well as even breaking fundamental rules of writing. Hereās a great example.
- Patience. Essentially, Iāll be slowing down my pace. I also want to write in a more long-form format. Iāll need to do a lot more research and I have a āplanā for a new structured outline method. If it actually works, Iāll write more about it in the future.
To add, in the future, I might write up a formal code of conduct for the publication in general. But for now, being actively mindful of these things is good enough.
Untiled |Ā Source
Dichotomy ofĀ Ideas
When I find myself in a creativeāāāor rather, manicāāāstate, I usually end up doing one of two things:
- Idealistically come up with bold, long-term plans of creative endeavor. Meticulously planning and scheduling every detail. This usually involves talking to a group of friends in a group chat about creating some sort of brave new project until 5 oāclock in the morningāāāthinking weāre geniuses. This is then followed by nobody following through with any of it. I usually find myself too invested in research and get analysis paralysis.
- Writing something by the seat of my pants. Creating new things without any forethought or planning. For some reason, this is the only way I actually find myself getting things doneāāāthis is how I started Everyday Essays. However, as soon as I find that Iāve started to build-up a legitimate body of work, my anxiety takes over and I usually halt the project on an indefinite hiatus and mindlessly move on to something else.
I want to stop needlessly forcing myself into these two extremesāāāan important concept in Guatama Buddhism is the Middle Wayāāāand I also want to stop myself from seizing up with fear of failure (or success?) and finish projects I start.
Rainy Night Inspiration
After a long day of housekeeping work, when Iām walking home at night, I find myself most inspired.
When Iām listening to Sufjan Stevens __and smelling the aftermath of raināāāthe petrichorāāāis when I find myself balling my fists as my head fills with a cacophony of ideas and projects I want to begin or resume.
How badly do I want to start composing another album, or start a photography website or watch lectures on the intricacies of Java libraries.
As soon as I get into my houseāāāa rugged bedroomāāāand lie down or open up my laptop to read a few Medium posts, that surge is gone. Too quickly do I find myself planning tomorrow, or balancing household budgets, or mindlessly browsing the daily stories of the internet. The mind becomes bloated with the information and complexity of our everyday life.
We are obliged to our adult responsibilities, we cannot squander our rent and groceries for our arts.
At the same time, I recognize that Iām not really an adult, yet. And that Iāll have the most have free time now to be able to pursue what I really want to. I cannot squander it, I have to be grateful for it.
Not all of us have the ability to do what we actually wantāāāwhich is exactly why itās so infuriating to see those who do have the ability flounder and ignore it.
I can try my best to create preventive measures and actively attempt to keep myself on trackāāāI can announce that Iāll be working more on the projects Iāve abandonedĀ , or new onesāāābut none of that matters. Silently doing hard work does.
Iām running out of alibis to explain my situation. Seems like Iāve said it all before. I canāt escape the paradigm, so I sign my resignation and say goodbye to something more.
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